Hometown: Cookeville, TN
Residence: Lakewood, CO
Supplement: Peperment Flavored Androgen
right state of mind?
Andy Buckner: I dunno, maybe I should have a drink first…
FSW: No time. Here we go: I hear that you were raised by
hairier than normal wolves. Do they support your freestyle
walking lifestyle?
AB: They taught me actually. I mean, wolves are pretty bad
ASS off of big rocks and stuff.
FSW: Peanut Butter: smooth or crunchy?
AB: Oooh. That’s none of your damn business.
FSW: ???? Okay. How about this one: give me an exact
measurement of how close you live to the edge.
AB: (eating Stauffer’s Real Cheddar Whales) Good
question…hmmm…
FSW: We can come back to that one if you want.
AB: (picking cheese cracker residue from teeth) Yeah, pass.
FSW: Okay, moving on then. Crocs: your thoughts?
AB: Pretty freakin’ gay. You have to have a man-gina to
wear them…unless you are a 6 year old girl, then Id say you
were pretty well equipped.
FSW: Good thing I didn’t wear mine. Why do you think we’ve
chosen you to be the walker of the week despite the fact that
you only have one picture posted?
AB: Probably because I’m pretty freakin’ awesome. Also, in a
way, I invented freestyle walking. You know I landed a move
as I was projected from my mother’s womb?
FSW: Yes, Ive heard that - it’s a thing of legend and beauty.
Glorious, really. Biggest mistake ever?
AB: Trying to pull the triple axle, 3 move, crazy touch off my
Dad’s three story apartment building. Into a pool. Filled with
oatmeal.
FSW: Why did you have a pool full of oatmeal?
AB: We had horses. Oatmeal isn’t as soft as you'd think. At
three stories its basically like concrete.
FSW: Favorite Sandwich?
AB: Club.
FSW: Nothing special? Just a club?
AB: Well, it has to have Ed McCaffrey’s mustard on it.
FSW: Do you REALLY think Ed McCaffrey makes that
mustard?
AB: HEY! McCaffrey makes two things. That’s touchdowns
and mustard! (obviously a little angry)….Oooooh! Probably
one cubit or so, depending on the strength of the yen.
FSW: ????
AB: For the “distance to the edge” deal. You said I could
come back to it…
FSW: Oh yeah, I forgot. Took you a while to come up with a
witty answer, didn’t it?
AB: [lowers eyebrows, turns a little red, and develops a light
beading of sweat on brow]
FSW: …sorry about that. Moving on…whats next for Andy
Buckner?
AB: I cant guarantee anything – you know my next move
might be my last. But if I don’t die, Im going to put the great
state of Tennessee on the freestyle walking map.
FSW: Well, since you’ve moved from Tennessee to
Colorado, can you tell if the altitude is affecting you?
AB: Definitely. I need way less ice cold beer to get in the
right state of mind. Plus, the thin air gives me an extra
rotation and a half, give or take.
FSW: Describe the perfect date.
AB: Ive gone through the scenario a million times: She picks
me up. We go to Wendy’s and order off the dollar menu,
she pays. Then we’d go park in the foothills and overlook
the city lights, where I proceed to do some flippin’ SICK
moves in the parking lot…off of parked cars, streetlamps,
stair rails…after that, shed be putty in my hands.
FSW: Okay, one last question: If you had to choose
between having boxing gloves permanently duct-taped to
your hands for a year, or wearing ski boots for a year without
taking them off, what would you choose?
AB: Can I answer your question with another question?
FSW: You just did.
